Sarah Casteel
by wishful writer
Summary: Sarah escapes a sad and tortured life only to be haunted by her past. As she vows to learn the fates of her children, she explores feelings of newfound love. She is tormented by Kitty's insanity as she seeks to destroy all Sarah's newfound happiness.
1. Prologue

I have made so many mistakes - my whole life in fact has been a series of the most stupid mistakes. Mistakes that are all too common in those damn hills. The mistake of devoting yourself to someone who isn't devoted to you. Someone who doesn't know you...

Sometimes someone who doesn't even like you.

I never had anything there that was mine in that cabin on the hillside, all that I had ever called my own was my love and my hope. I held steadfastly to my hope, clinging, not as a drowning woman, but as someone who possesses something so wonderful they ache to let it go.

Over the long and difficult years I nourished my hope through the small acts I saw from Luke, I took pleasure in seeing Luke with our son Tom, the way he fathered him, spent time with him, this pleasure was also mixed with a sadness. I knew Luke wanted a son in his own image.

It was hard on me to know that I would do anything for him but I could not command nature to perform this simple act.

My god, how I loved him. My god, how fiercely I protected myself from heartbreak with the little lies that foolish women know so well. Slowly in tiny painful steps my hope that he would eventually love me was eroded.

The way he would come home after a week away and smile my way kept the flame of love and hope alive in my heart.

But as the financial responsibilities grew along with the children, his week away turned into 2 weeks, into a month and finally into only sporadic intervals, during which we waited with dull eyes and empty bellies.

I know I allowed my anxieties to colour my behaviour towards my children. I saw my eldest girl Heaven looking at me often with fear in her eyes and I knew she was losing respect for me – she hated her pa and I knew she couldn't understand why I continued to love him so. What would she know about the relations of men and women? Only what Luke and I had taught her – and I'm afraid we had taught her too well.

Fanny is a different story altogether, a very pretty girl; I see so much of Luke in her, her selfishness, her stubbornness and her unwillingness to learn. She is truly more of a burden to me than a daughter.

Heaven is so much easier to love and since we also share a need of love from Luke our relationship is much closer. Although she is not my biological daughter we are bonded in the same way since I was brought here as Luke's wife only 2 days after her birth.


	2. Chapter 1

One day Luke came home and took me to the bedroom so that we could speak privately.

He said he had brought something home for me to use. Into the bedroom we went and sat down on the bed.

"Sarah," he began gruffly, "I'm no longer a young man." He said sighing as he spoke.

"And," he continued, "You know that we've always had trouble keeping us and the kids fed"

As I sat there in practiced silence I wondered what was coming next.

"I've been to a doctor and tole him about our situation and he prescribed these here pills for you to take."

As I sat there I waited dully for him to finish, so he didn't want any more children from me, that much was plain.

I didn't speak up to tell him how badly I wanted another, how I somehow knew that this time it would be the child I had been praying for.

No, this man cared little for my opinion so I sat quietly and stared at my hands thinking my own thoughts to myself.

"SARAH!" He barked. I jumped, scared to be caught not paying attention, "have you been listening to me woman?" "No way - no how can we have anymore kids, we got too many as it is." "So take these here pills and take 'em just like I said one each and every day."

He handed me the box that the pills came in and as I reached my hand out to put them on an old nailed up shelf he said "No time like the present, better get yourself a glass of water, you can start taking them right now."

I did as I was told wordlessly, he watched me drink the tablet down.

"Good good," he said. "I gotta go now, you remember that it's your job to remember those pills everyday even though I won't be here to remind ya."

He seemed in higher spirits after that, "Listen I'm not staying for dinner so you get on and take care of the kids while I'm gone."

Oh God, I moaned to myself, God God, didn't he see my need for him on my face? Couldn't he sense my need?

I felt myself blush all over, I wanted him, I wanted him to stay and be a husband to me tonight.

"But Luke ya been away for 2 weeks and you've been home for less than an hour, why can't you stay for dinner?" I couldn't keep the wistful almost sad tone from my voice.

"No, I'd like to stay, really I would but I got me some business to do in town, it'll take me a few more weeks to get this here deal I got up and running"

My heart sank, all those lonely nights broken only by the briefest of visits, all I had to look forward to now was another lonely few weeks.

No sooner did I think my sad and lonely thoughts than he was up on his feet and making his way over to the door where he stood looking out toward his truck, he sighed and looked back briefly.

"Bye ma... pa," he said looking over to where his parents sat quietly.

I walked wearily over to kiss him goodbye, he hugged me briefly and kissed me quickly on the lips.

I tried to look into his eyes but he was eager to get away and had begun to look over to his truck again. He pulled himself out of my embrace and made his way through the noisy kids and the animals which were frisking around his truck.

Tom tore himself away from his friends and approached his father - "ya coming back later on tonight pa?" He asked.

"Naw,' he said gruffly ruffling Tom's hair, "got too much stuff to do in town, you'll have to wait another coupla weeks 'til you see me again"

"Awww dad," but Tom had only begun to complain but Luke was already in the truck and heading off down the dirt driveway.

I kept my eyes fixed on his departing vehicle until it had almost left my sight completely, briefly I glanced over to where Heaven was standing in the middle of hanging out the freshly washed clothes, she too had been staring at Luke's leaving, perhaps even more wistfully than I had been.

I turned and headed back inside the cold house, I began to cook dinner.


	3. Chapter 2

That night alone I cried softly into my coarse pillow. I cried because I was lonely and hungry for love. I cried because I was overburdened with responsibilities, finally I cried for the future, my life stretching out before me endless lonely days filled with more of the same bleakness.

When my crying ceased it was replaced by new thoughts, a new dream of love. A small spot of belief flamed sharply, my eyes widened and I gasped with the realisation of the simplicity of it all.

A baby, a new baby. Luke didn't want more children but I knew he loved all of ours, maybe he didn't love Heaven, but he loved Tom especially well, a boy, his eldest son. If only I could have a dark headed son Luke would have to look at me with new eyes, a new respect, a new love.

It had been so many years since I had held a babe in my arms, I knew it would give both Luke and I a new lease, a new reason to struggle, love and be together.

For the first time in months I felt truly happy again, I smiled to myself and snuggled down to sleep the last few hours 'til dawn.

The next day was a school day for the children. I rose slowly from the bed, stretching and after collecting more wood for the stove I cooked them all a breakfast of fried taters, biscuits and gravy from the rations Luke had brought us yesterday.

The children were noisy as usual, but I hardly heard them at all, I had too much on my mind, I was glad when they finally left for their long trek to the school.

I began the housework with a renewed vigour, I hummed while I worked, and after I had done all of my usual morning chores I took a brisk walk into the woods. It was still quite cold but I hoped for some flowers to match my mood and cheer up the cabin. I picked a tiny bunch of pink and red wildflowers and walked slowly back to the cabin to put them in water.

After I had finished the housework I began to work in the garden, in this small way I was able to contribute to our meal times. Unfortunately nothing grew very well in our yard, mostly because the topsoil was washed down the mountain. Another reason was the fact that before me Luke's' mother had done just as I was doing every year for the forty years of her youth. All we had to fertilise the cold hard ground was chicken manure - from the occasional chickens we had.

That night I felt tired, after dinner I sat quietly at the scrubbed plank table and looked around me with new eyes.

I saw again the small 2 roomed cabin for what it really was - my world, the home of my family - the Casteel legacy.

I felt blessed for the first time in years.

Luke was still a handsome man, my children were beautiful - our son was strong.

Our Jane began to cough, reminding me of the spectre of her never ending ill health, but in spite of that I was still had gratitude.

I went over to Granny to make sure she was comfortable and as I tucked her shawls around her bony shoulders she whispered "Lookin' mighty happy Sarah - ya haven't taken a nip of ole moonshine have ya?" She began to cackle in her strange way - but this only gave way to a paroxysm of coughing which seemed to make her age right before my eyes.

"Hush now," I whispered sharply, I was annoyed that she would find my happiness something to laugh about.

"Heaven," I called.

"Yes Ma," she answered.

"Will you please help me with the bed pallets?"

Wordlessly she put Our Jane from her lap and got up to help me.

Quietly I helped ease Granny from her rocker while Heaven put the 2 little ones to bed. Then together we both made Grandpa as comfortable on his pallet as possible. Tom filled the stove with more wood and we all said our prayers and lay down to sleep.

I lay awake for a few minutes and thought about the future, I could only imagine that as we grew older Luke would stay home more. Luke and I would take Ma and Pas' place and Tom and his wife would be the ones to take care of us in our old age.

This thought made me happy and I went to sleep with a smile on my lips.

It was about 3 weeks before Luke came home again, he didn't seem to be too happy to be home.

I tried to be cheerful but my mood struggled under the weight of his. He sat down on one of our few chairs and stared moodily around him until I saw his eyelids grow heavy and he napped for a few hours before dinner.

I felt hurt and upset that he hadn't bothered to ask me how I was or even to greet me properly.

Yes, I was angry, I had waited and waited for him and made myself believe that he wanted to be here at home with his family. I didn't like to see any proof to the opposite.

I felt anger but it was no good, I knew that if I didn't treat Luke with respect he would be out that door faster than lightening.

Wearily I began to undress Our Jane for her Saturday night bath while Heaven cooked the meal for all of us.

We all bathed that night for the next day was Sunday. Luke was here to take us all down to the church in his truck as a family.


	4. chapter 3

I had mixed feelings about going to church. It was here that I was reminded of our poverty, at home alone with Ma and Pa, there was no contrast and nothing to compare myself to.

But it was also a time for socialising, I could meet up with some of my old school friends who were in a similar position to mine. It was also at these gathering times that I overheard tales of just how my husband Luke entertained himself while he was away from his family.

I remember the humiliation I felt the first time I ever learned of his trysts, not that I was a naive young woman, but it was the pain of inadequacy, of feeling that even in the early days of our marriage, after Tom was born, I was not enough to satisfy him, to make him happy.

I was hurt, but we were married, I had his babies. I had committed myself to this man that I loved, loved without reason and without judgement, unconditionally... forever. So I put this new knowledge away and tried not to imagine or to think about where he was and what was happening while I stayed at home and took care of things.

Occasionally, when it all felt too much and we were all hungry, cold, miserable and Our Jane was wailing and sick again I would try to hurt Luke by throwing this new knowledge in his face. I think, at first, he was embarrassed to be caught out, for his parents to know. I am sure he felt ashamed - to begin with.

After Church we all piled back into the truck and headed back home. I felt upset with Luke still and instead of starting and argument I just stared out of the window and tried to maintain a chain of thoughts over the sound of the engine, the kids and the noise of the tyres on the unsealed road.

I started to feel a bit more cheerful when I remembered the ham rations that Luke had bought for us. It was my favourite and I couldn't help thinking that Luke had thought of me while he bought it. I smiled his way, and he saw my face and smiled back, I felt my heart glowing in my chest and I couldn't wait to touch him and cook his meal for the evening and do all I could tonight to make him happy.

He didn't ask me about those pills that he had given me - and I was glad, I didn't like to lie and as I rarely had cause to I was very poor at not getting caught out.

I smiled even more as I clutched my delicious secret in my mind, I had to be careful, Luke was no fool. I needed to hide the bulk of my happiness lest Luke grew suspicious and demanded to know just what I was up to.

That night as we lay down to sleep together I felt so happy I thought my heart would burst with it all, I held Luke tightly and gave him all the little kisses that I had been longing to give him, he was not an affectionate man but I believe he enjoyed my affections. He took me in his arms and we made love.

Luke left the following morning and was gone for 20 days, we were more than desperate for food by the time he showed up, he seemed to be getting more and more neglectful as time went on.

Not forgetting my promise to myself I had quickly washed my hair and changed into my Sunday dress, I was tired and stressed out from running the house on an empty stomach and having everyone looking to me for comfort, hope and food.

What could I tell them when I was slowly losing it myself?

I smiled weakly in response to his warm greeting, Fanny jumped up to grab hold of him long before he had finished bringing the food in from the truck.

I immediately began to put the food away. I was glad to be able to eat again but I still felt angry at Luke for leaving us alone for too long, but I said nothing while I attempted to cook a nice meal for all of us.

The strain came by the end of the third day when some trivial action on Luke's behalf angered me, we had a fight which ended with Luke storming out of the cabin without saying goodbye to anyone.

I began to do the wash, I was shaking with anger and it wasn't long before the tears began to fall. Heaven was alarmed to see me crying and she quickly came over to comfort me.

She could see that I was under strain, but I knew she was scared because there was so little she could do to help ease my burdens. She already spent all of her spare time helping me take care of everybody.


	5. Chapter 4

Before I knew it 3 more months had passed and although my newest pregnancy was now quite plainly showing, nobody noticed.

I just kept on doing everything that I was used to doing - the things I had done for years. Taking care of Ma and Pa, the kids, the cabin. But I no longer took care of myself.

I wanted Luke to love me, but he came and left again without even looking at me. I lay in bed all alone and cried the tears of the heartbroken.

I had never had such a soul destroying experience. My whole body ached with grief. I felt the small mound of my new son, Luke Jr. and wondered just what kind of marriage I had.

It was another few weeks before Luke came home and finally discovered my secret. I remember that the kids weren't home from school yet.

Luke's eyes turned into dangerous black slits as he looked over my changed form. Oh boy - he was angry. I was quite scared. I backed up into the nearest corner with fear in my heart while he tried to speak through the strong emotions that he was experiencing.

I saw his face contort until he looked like a vicious beast before I covered my face with my hands... and then the screaming began.

I stood there with my head bowed and tried not to listen while he said the most awful things about how I had betrayed him, how I was trying to break him and ruin his life.

At that moment I hated him for saying those things. What about MY pain? What about MY life? I had always tried to do my best, then I remembered the night my new baby was conceived and I began to cry.

It was at least an hour before Luke had calmed down enough to ask me what had happened. I lied and told him that I had merely run out of pills over a period of time, but because I was so far along in my pregnancy he knew I must have been lying.

He angrily questioned me further and I felt weak with fear - I sat down heavily in one of our chairs and cradled my head in my hands. I was crying softly and I lied and said that I had begun to take them but had missed a few days and out of fear I had just swallowed all of the rest at one time.

His anger began afresh at this and by this time I was so weak I could barely stand up.

Soon after this Luke left.

The children who had arrived home sometime during that scene slowly drifted inside.

Heaven helped me into bed and took care of things while I cried myself to sleep.

Now that Luke knew of my pregnancy I was able to relax.

I wondered if the stress I had endured during the beginning had had some bad effect on my unborn child which seemed unusually still and unmoving.

I tried not to worry about this, believing that the more I rested and relaxed I grew, the better the baby would react.

Finally the day came, the day of my baby's birth. I was as excited as if this was the birth of my first child, and I was nervous too. I had hoped and prayed and taken such a chance just to have this little one. I just couldn't wait to gaze down into my sons little newborn face. I couldn't wait to see Luke's' pleasure as he gazed down, finally, at a son who was created in his own image, at that moment I knew Luke would forgive me and all the love he was capable of giving would be mine.

After a few hours of a difficult birth, my only difficult one, my tiny baby emerged.

A tiny pink baby that I could hardly bear to look at. I kissed my baby, I loved my baby but somewhere deep inside someone was screaming and hating because my baby had become a horrifying symbol of Luke's betrayal.

No dark headed son lay hungry in my arms, only a sad dead one suffering from the terrible sins of his father. No doubt, I blamed him. No doubt I was angry, I howled, I screamed trying desperately to drown out my own thoughts, my own knowledge of the terrible grief and loss I would have now be forced to live through.

Luke saw our baby, blamed me, screamed, hurled abuse and then left.

A terrible day, made impossibly worse by the passing of Lukes ma which was a double blow, though her passing was nothing compared to the loss of my longed for child.

Crying, weeping, wailing a new word was needed to describe what my soul expressed in the days that followed, my tears took over my entire being, my body was weak with the sheer effort of so much terrible, unbearable pain.

A few weeks later Luke returned with stooped shoulders and a new confession. I took delight in hurting him with the only weapon I had now. The news of his mothers' death. He hurt me afresh with his news too, the new knowledge that it was in fact his fault that I had lost the baby. Syphilis, a dirty disease from his whoring ways.

Both hurt now, but refusing and not able to comfort the other, we or rather I fought, driving him from the cabin with my anger.

As I grew more and more depressed I retreated into my own private world of pain.

I no longer felt the pain of a lost love, the terrible pain of Luke's rejection of me. My overriding experience became that of entrapment.

The die was cast, the clay was set into stone the day my baby died, nobody could feel my pain as deeply as me.

My children appeared as strangers to me, I looked upon them with an intense resentment which was beginning to border on hatred. Their needs and wants were everlasting and incessant and I had absolutely nothing to give them, not even the desire to try.

Once my children had been a vessel of love. Offering me endless opportunities to prove my love and devotion to Luke through my devotion to them.

_Now I had nothing to prove. _

Each day I went through the ceaseless motions of my eternally loveless existence.

I awoke each morning to complete my endless cycle of chores, feeling so numb while one thought dominated, run, escape, hide.

Please God, help me. Give me the strength to find a new way, an escape from my pitiful existence.

I often found myself praying silently to myself while the tears slipped from my eyes. I cried for my baby many times, and for the lack of love that had killed him. I knew that that same lack of love would surely kill me too if I didn't get away soon.

During the time after the birth of our final child I experienced a metamorphosis into a different woman, changed as only the terribly scarred can be changed.

My heart was no stranger to pain, for it had been broken countless times over these hard years but now it felt as though it was shattered with no more room for love, now that I no longer loved Luke I had no reason to stay on here in perpetual agony. Yes, it was time to go.

I don't know why I stayed on, I guess I was giving Luke his final chance, the tiniest of flames was left in my heart waiting to be nurtured back to life - or to be extinguished... For good.

One night I awoke to hear a sound outside. In the woods at night there were always many sounds. Normally I slept through all of them, but tonight something was different, this time, thoughts of Luke entered my head.

Quietly, I slipped from the bed and softly padded toward to our tiny kitchen window.

On my way over, the bulk of many packages resting on our kitchen table caught my eye. My breath caught in my throat, my heart stopped dead. I stood there quietly waiting... Waiting for something...

But nothing, nothing but silence greeted me, Luke had come and gone. Come and gone, sobs tore at my throat, and there grew a terrible pain in my chest from holding back the sounds of my grief.

Note to readers - I copied the note in its entirety from Heaven.

I stood there quietly trying to regain some control of myself, I coaxed my anger to grow. I allowed my mind to wander back over the old hurts, the rejections, the humiliations the thoughts turned me into the vengeful beast I needed to be - then I sprang into action.

I knew the kids would be hurt and would have trouble without me but - I felt vindicated and satisfied that **_Luke_** would perhaps learn just how to suffer because of **_me_**.

I began to gather my few possessions together along with a few rugs, after I had put everything into a bag I sat down to write Luke a note. There was so much to say, so much that had never been said.

Quietly I lit a candle, sat for a minute while I thought about what to say and began in my neatest handwriting -

Dear Husband,

Can't stay no longer with a man who just don't care enough about anything. Going to where it's better. Good luck and Goodbye.

Much as I loved ya, hate ya now.

Sarah.

I felt satisfied with that, I rested the note on the bed, picked up my bag and turned to go.


	6. Chapter 5

In my mind I had a picture that I was aiming for, but first I knew that I had to get away, run, run, run before Luke found me, before Tom did. I knew my first responsibility to myself was to get out of the Willies and out of Winnerow as fast as I could.

I travelled the well worn path down into Winnerow as if I were being chased; I was too busy hurrying to think about anything.

Finally I made it to Winnerow and I hurried through the neat and tidy streets where so much hatred and prejudice lay sleeping inside those pretty houses.

As I approached the end of Main St I didn't feel any doubts about which roads to take, I went straight ahead.

Once I was past the outskirts of the town I felt like I could breathe again, my chest was still tight with exertion and fear but nothing tasted better than those first few breaths.

My mind went back to the cabin and momentarily I felt a terrible surge of fear, suddenly I felt weak and I leaned against a tree. I imagined the forms of the sleeping children and the familiar surroundings - everything I had ever known and I suddenly felt scared of just what may lay ahead.

I banished these thoughts from my mind and continued on walking, I decided not to sleep because I was too afraid those frightening thoughts would return.

The new day was born and it saw me lost in the daylight.

The things I had expected outside of Winnerow were not there, just this endless road and nowhere to aim for. I had expected many houses, maybe a city, I had pondered many a time at just what lay outside of my own small existence. In my more recent dreams I imagined finding a job and becoming a wife again to someone completely unlike Luke in every way.

But now reality had set in, I was hungry and I didn't know where to go for food.

I walked off the road and sat down out of sight of any cars that might pass by and considered my predicament. I could go back carefully and see my sister, Darla, making sure none of her family saw me and hoped that she would have not only food but also some idea of where I could turn. But we had never been close and it would be difficult, perhaps too difficult for me to ask this favour of her. Truthfully, I barely knew Darla beyond the fact that I knew she was my sister, she had been off and married by the time I was 5 years old, after that she was busy with her own large family - I didn't even know exactly how many children she had.

Besides she was a country girl just like me, she would know only as much as I did.

No, I thought I had relied on Luke for my entire adult life and it had gotten me nowhere, I thought of it as a step backwards to crawl back to beg help and advice from a sister I hardly knew - besides what if her advice to me was to go back? I shivered at the thought.

I stood up and began to walk at a brisk pace toward my future.

It wasn't long before I had mapped out a simple plan for myself, I would find a place in the sun, I would find work and eventually love, I decided upon a whim that I wanted to live by the sea, a sea that I had only heard of.

This brand new desire was born mostly out of fear, Luke would be trying to find me and I just didn't know how far his influence reached - could he find me? How easily would it be for him to catch me, to beat me, to force me to return? More likely he would kill me if he found me.

But I just couldn't stand around and wait for anything like that to happen, getting away had to be my only thought and the focus of my every waking moment.

The day was beautiful, it was as if the world and the powers under which it exists were encouraging me onwards towards the future, _my_ future - one in which I would be wise enough to make into something too wonderful to even dream about. I just knew it felt good to finally breathe again, no longer under the weight of too many hardships and too much misery... all of the pain which fate had decided that I needed.

I walked briskly down the paved street following the only path I knew - the one in my heart, I saw many houses and I gazed upon them in wonder, as I had always done, I wondered just what it would be like to live, love and work within the walls of such grand homes, one day I hoped I would know all of this.

Now I had to look forward to a future carved with my own strength and fortitude, I had doubts about myself - had 14 years of struggle and poverty equipped me with the skills I needed for a new life and a new world which I knew nearly nothing of?

My heart was starting to feel frightened, was I doing the right thing? I wasn't sorry that I had left Luke or even the kids... I no longer had fears concerning them at all, I still felt sick when I thought back - ugh I shuddered...

I spent an hour just sitting in a park with my back against a tree frightening myself with what I didn't know.

I was wearing a dress that was once a pale blue colour but was now mostly grey, I still liked it but the hem was coming down - it had been that way for months. Until now I had had no desire to repair it, the dress was formless - I had worn this same dress during my pregnancy, but I quickly banished the thought of my final pregnancy from my mind.

I began to let my gaze drift across the people walking through the park - mostly people dressed in long slacks and sweaters, everybody looked clean and nobody had clothes as old and worn as mine, I felt an icy hand of fear grip me as I realised this for the first time.

As the contrast between my clothes and the clothes of the people around me became clearer I felt worse and worse I was feeling hungry and tired too.

I sat and watched all those people, some in groups, and all belonging to each other - having lives and homes and places to go. I felt sad, envious and frightened too. I was frightened because I thought maybe I would never have those things again. Fear seemed to be my constant companion these days, to be all alone with no idea what the present will bring let alone the future - it is a frightening prospect for anyone to endure.

I worried myself into sleep... a fitful sleep where I could not find the peace I was seeking.

My mad rush to leave was over. All I had now was the wind at my back and my determination to survive in a world that had stolen my youth and tried to destroy me, a world where the man who had meant everything to me had lied, betrayed and humiliated me to the point of madness.

I kept all thoughts but selfish ones from my mind, I intended never to think of Luke or even my children ever again. I had successfully banished their memories from my heart and mind back at that god-forsaken cabin on the hillside.

In a small township at least 50 miles from Winnerow I found work scrubbing out old soy bins for an old farmer who's wife had taken pity on me. Their farm was beautiful, I loved to look out over the fields as I paused in my work, the broad grassy fields were spotted with colour, it made my heart ache. It was a beauty all of it's own so very different from the landscape of the mountains. I had several days of difficult work, but I had a comfortable place to sleep and Emma, the farmers wife and I became friendly, we spent our few evenings together. She seemed very quiet and thoughtful as she perused my form, it seemed she could see something of interest to her within me.

I avoided her gaze each time she tried looking into my eyes. She seemed intent on uncovering the secrets she sensed were hiding there.

On the final night of my stay Emma insisted upon brushing my hair and dusting my complexion with her compact, "You work too hard Sarah," she rebuked – "Look at your hands!" "Tsk tsk, why on Earth didn't you ask for some of my hand lotion?" She exclaimed.

I looked down thinking she was silly to mention _hand cream_ I felt amused in spite of myself – the state of my hands was the least of my troubles. I turned them over in my lap.

"Let's see," she demanded holding her hand out to take mine, she began to rub them vigorously with beautifully scented cream. "My mother worked hard everyday of her life but she never forgot that she was a lady," Emma chided. I smiled weakly in response.

"And your face, we mustn't forget your beautiful face!" she enthused. And with this she began to use a rich cream from a pale pink tube to touch over my face gently, remarked how youthful I looked and how beautiful

"How old are you Sarah?"

"Twenty- Nine" I whispered.

"Ah lovely – a lovely young age to be indeed, and you don't look a day over twenty!" she decided. She then began to sweep my hair up next using mysterious methods to twist and pin it into place, she finished off by pulling gently at the hair too short to join the rest and curling it gently around her fingers, "There!" she said when she was finished "Look" she ordered, handing me an ornate handled mirror.

I looked briefly, pretending to be pleased in order to humour her – I knew what I looked like after all, a little bit of skin cream and a light dusting of powder was not going to make much difference to my looks. I smiled at her to show her my gratitude and she smiled back sadly.

"Oh Sarah..." she whispered sadly.


	7. Chapter 6

The next day was Monday, time for me to move on, Emma wanted to know what my plans were for the future, I had a few vague ideas and I tried to present them as well as I could, Emma listened politely without interrupting

"Ok" she finally said "I'll get my husband to drop you off in town then?"

"Yes, thank you." I said. I gathered my things together and was about to climb into her husbands truck when she rushed up to hug me goodbye, she held me by the shoulders at arms length and looked at me "Sarah I do wish you all the happiness in the world" She kissed me lightly on the cheek and handed me a brown parcel topped with a note in a pretty pink envelope.

"Goodbye," I said looking at her with a new curiosity. I just couldn't help wondering why she was so kind and why she thought it necessary to take such an interest in me. It was hard to fathom, it felt natural to remain detached but in just a few days I could feel myself opening up towards her warmth.

I think it was a shame that I had to go, I needed a friend and truly Emma had offered me the first love I had felt in years.

It was when I opened the package that I felt my first deep sadness. It was a beautiful dress delicate, with colourful flowers and small scallops of lace at the neckline, tears pricked my eyes as I looked it over, and straight away I thought that I didn't want to wear it and perhaps ruin such a fine thing. I couldn't believe that she expected me to wear it as I went on my travels.

It did fit me beautifully but I only tried it on, in the town where her husband had dropped me off I bought several cheaper dresses and a pretty pair of plastic sandals.

I immediately threw the clothes that I had taken with me from the cabin away.

After I had changed my clothes in a public restroom I sat in a shady park to open the pale pink envelope _- Emma had written;_

Dear Sarah,

Although I have only known you for a short time I can see by your eyes that you have been through too much heartache and pain, please accept this money and train ticket and go to the address at the bottom of this letter, I have arranged for you to work for some relatives of mine in Atlanta, I'm sure we will meet again soon please take care,

Your friend

Emma Lundstrom.

3465 Charlotte Terrace

Atlanta Georgia

I couldn't believe the words I had read; now because of the kindness of a stranger I had a real path to follow. I was going to Atlanta where a job was waiting for me. I stared at the money she had given me – more money than I had ever seen! Several hundred dollars plus a train ticket and instructions on how to get to a house called Firestone.

I sat staring at the note, disbelieving, grateful, scared so many swirling emotions within me, my future was here _it had found me_, I wondered just what I would find in Atlanta – a place I had only heard about and never been to, and what sort of job would it be? And would the people like me? Perhaps they would just ask me to leave when they saw me – Emma didn't know how cruel and rejecting people in this world could be, Yes they were her relatives but you just never knew...


	8. A New Life

Soon I was seated on the train which was to take me to my future. I sat and stared out the window and watched the world rush by. All the buildings, houses, lives I passed by in an instant.

All the trees I saw began to blur into one blue – green mish mash and suddenly without my conscious accord an image of the cabin appeared before me. My thoughts rested there as I examined the fate of my children... They were struggling, hurting, perhaps even starving but I felt sure that Tom and Heaven would be strong and loving enough to hold what was left of the family together. After all they were old enough to have children of their own... they didn't really need me.

I didn't cry but I felt a heaviness in my heart, I felt the energy drain from my body and I sat slumped while I felt a strong measure of guilt.

The truth was, as long as I had nothing to look forward to, no love in my life and a terribly uncertain future I had felt no need for guilt of any type. But now things had changed – my life was far from blessed but I was on a train, headed toward a guaranteed job in a big city. I felt sad, now I was trapped in a different way – no matter how good and prosperous my life became I would never, ever be able to share it with my children. My only consolation was that I didn't believe that my presence in the cabin was doing any real good, our marriage was an ugly example and since Luke was sick and possibly not able to buy much food I would be one less mouth to feed.

I sat quietly for the remainder of my trip not meeting anyone's eyes, simply waiting for the long trip to be over.

At last the train pulled into Atlanta, the doors opened and I felt my body well caught in a huge surge of hurrying bodies – I felt terribly frightened and for a moment I felt a strong urge to crawl somewhere and hide from the impossibly huge bustling crowd.

At last the crowd dispersed and the train pulled lazily away, I stood standing upon the platform waiting for inspiration to hit. Part of me wanted to stand there forever in limbo no going back – no need to go forward and face the future. I was lost even though I knew where I was headed. Lost inside myself.

But luckily for me my inertia was broken by the instinctive need we all have – to get where we going despite all trepidation.

I ambled over to the ticket counter, the platform guard was on duty a very thin man with a slightly bony face, with very pale, pasty skin stretched over it, he was quite young and his manner was helpful but also a bit condescending as he seemed amused at my too polite questions "Firestone?" he asked "Yes I know that place" he said "You going to work there I presume?"

"Yes I am, could ya please tell me how to get there?" I was trying so hard to speak without slang – copying Tom and Heaven really.

He hastily gave me a few directions and started me off by pointing me in the right direction. "That direction" he said.

According to his directions I wouldn't have to walk far. I looked carefully at each of the houses that I passed along the way, looking for something familiar, the town was far different than Winnerrow, It was colder, greyer though, ironically, it had more colour, more people walking about all dressed differently from each other as if to prove that they didn't care what the world thought of them.

As I walked further on through the suburban part of town I noticed that it was common to see decrepit, sagging houses nestled closely to the bright and beautiful ones. It was as if people didn't even care what their own neighbours thought of them!

Truthfully I didn't know what to make of this alien world where appearances didn't seem to matter. All my sad life I had simply been judged by my appearance and labelled accordingly – doomed.

At last I reached the large impressive house called Firestone – after the people who lived there.

It was an impressive 3 storey mansion sitting atop an acre of beautifully manicured gardens. A miniature replica house sat behind the larger one looking ready to jump out at any moment to announce its presence. I was later to learn that this was the guesthouse. As I slowly, slowly walked up the path I noticed things that I hadn't from the street. A beautiful gushing waterfall lay to the right of the front door. Birds chirping merrily from the branches of a heavily blossomed shrub to the left. At last I reached the front door.

I knocked tentatively and when there was no response I knocked again, louder.

At last the door was answered.

A thin, old lady peeped out "Who's there?" she asked.

"Hello, I said, "My name is Sarah Cas... Williams, Emma Lundstrom said that you needed someone to work for you"

"Sarah Williams? I don't know anything about this, but please come in while I telephone my sister."

"Thank you," I said as I entered the house.

The nameless lady disappeared into the house and I was left to stand in the largest room I had ever been in. I pulled my breath in quickly – Oh what a high ceiling! It was domed and it had a beautiful relief pattern criss crossing over it making a diamond pattern.

The furniture was dark, dark lounges – soft brown coverings, small dark wood tables were arranged here and there and some held tiny ornaments and lovely green pot plants.

To my left was a large open fireplace with a mantle made from wood even darker than that of the tables. My eyes trailed over the mass of family pictures I saw laid out there and looked above to see how they had crept up the wall. I stepped further into the room amazed at the floor – wall to wall carpeting, thicker and softer than any shawl I had ever touched. The room was incredibly large but so superbly furnished that its cosiness was unmistakeable. I felt that I could spend a month exploring every part of that room and not grow bored.

Suddenly, the old woman was with me again, she seemed not to notice my awe.

She said, "Well I just spoke to Emma, and it seems that she thinks quite highly of you."

I felt myself blush.

"She is such a kind and thoughtful girl is Emma," she said sweetly.

"Well, I'm pleased to meet you Sarah, my name is Mrs Anna Firestone, my husband whom you will meet later is called Charles," she said holding out her hand. "Well, it's true that I am getting older and I need more help around the house than I used to need."

"I live here with my husband and we often have guests, old friends – my husbands business associates. As you can probably imagine it's a lot of work to keep the house presentable and the meals I have always cooked myself – I think of it as a point of honour that meals eaten within a home should be cooked by the lady of the house and not delivered or made by a **_cook_**."

The way she spat out the work _cook _got my attention.

"Yes it's true," she said with curled lips "When a woman cooks it's her lot in life and when a man does it it's suddenly his career." She snorted.

"But I digress" she explained "What I really do need is someone dependable, friendly and hardworking. Someone who can take orders and follow directions."

"Do you think that person could be you?"

"Yes, a course I would be more than happy to do anything you ask a me, I would be very grateful to work in such a lovely house" I said quickly.

"It's not a house, my dear, but a home," Anna said.

Suddenly she looked at me intently – "Where are you from Sarah?"

For an instant my mind went blank, my mouth gaped.

"I can hear something in your voice – sounds like West Virginia – is that where you are from?"

"Yes," I nodded.

"Oh yes" she said airily. "Beautiful area, shame about all the prejudice and poverty heh? She crackled.

I smiled weakly but I liked her, I guess that was when I first learned about her attitude to life – better to laugh than to cry.

"Ok lets go through the arrangements for your work." – "Firstly you will live in, you must be up no later than 7am after a dinner party to finish cleaning the house and 8am on all other days, I do despise rising early and would never insist someone else do it." "Secondly you must work through a list of jobs everyday. You are entitled to two 15minute breaks at 10am and 3pm plus an hour for lunch at Midday. You will not be permitted to end your days work until all of the jobs on your daily list are completed"

"The pay is $80 per week + room and board, you will also have 3 days off per fortnight which will rotate each week to suit the needs of the house."

"Do you have any questions?"

I felt a bit overwhelmed by too much information, I thought it all sounded great especially the money, I would have worked without days off, without breaks for half that amount, but of course I also had no other options either.

I shook my head slowly while looking at her and smiling.

"Great," she said "Oh, and I nearly forgot, do you have a drivers licence?"

"No, will I need one for the job?" I asked worriedly

"Yes, but that's ok, we'll just have to arrange for some lessons for you, no problem." She smiled kindly. "It will be a great help if you are able to drive into town to collect the groceries and things for the house, until you have your licence you will have to catch trains." "Oh well," she sighed. "Well, let me show you to your room"


	9. Chapter 8

Together as we walked up a beautiful curved staircase I saw that the whole house was both beautiful and cosy. Softness, depth and beauty swam like a warm sensual sea below me everywhere as I looked down. Up above light streamed in from upper windows and bathed the upper stories in the warmest golden lovliness I had ever seen.

No wonder Anna had made sure to correct me when she said this was a _home._

Lucky, lucky people to live in such a beautiful _home_.

My bedroom was magnificent.

"Sarah, take some time to unpack," she said facetiously, looking at my near empty plastic shopping bag.

"Ok." I said softly "Thank you."

"I'll meet you in the kitchen tomorrow morning at 8am, Ok?"

"Ok, see you then"

She left me then to examine my room in greater detail.

The room was done primarily in white with pale pink flowers dotted over the beautiful clean bedspread which looked brand new.

Soft cream carpet of the same texture of that downstairs and over the staircase covered the entire bedroom floor wall to wall.

No need for a rug but one was there, _so very soft _white and fluffy (which I would later learn was sheepskin) by the side of the bed, where my feet would touch it last at night and first thing in the morning.

Delicate white lace curtains were prominent at the large window and the beautiful light was invited in forcefully, the effect was brilliant. Thick pink curtains were drawn well back from the window to allow the beauty of nature inside the room.

My bedside table had what I was to learn was an old fashioned alarm clock. It sat alone there on the bare wood, 3 drawers sat ready to be opened below it.

So much space all for me, in addition to those drawers the room also boasted a carved wooden chest, a large chest of drawers (6 large drawers) and a cupboard full of empty clothes hangers.

So much cleaner than the cabin, no way could I ever hope to get it so clean, the cabins floorboards were continually open via cracks to the loose earth below.

So very much larger than the cabin. This room must have been twice the size and the only person living here would be me.

I guessed it wouldn't be too long before I was desperately lonely.

I lay down on the bed, looking towards the window.

I felt restless and I realised suddenly that I didn't even have a hairbrush, Emma had been far too kind to mention the state of my clothes and when she had found me I had been far too upset to worry about things such as appearance.

But now sitting up on this lovely soft bed in this lovely warm home I felt for the first time in months the desire to bring back the woman within me, the woman that Luke had never loved.

I felt both sad and defiant as I hung up my three dresses and selected the beautiful dress that Emma had so thoughtfully given me. As I pulled it down over my head I felt excited, I smoothed it into place around my body and reached around to zip up the back for myself. I opened the door of the cupboard where I had seen the full length mirror stuck inside.

I stood there in front of it admiring my reflection, my body was thin but not emaciated as I had always imagined, my breasts were large and looked almost beguiling in spite of this dress's implied purity.

I took a step closer to look at my face, it was smooth, milky looking but deep in my green eyes I thought I looked old, no sparkle lay there, and my lips looked sad too.

I stepped back to look over my body again, I was happy, I smiled I looked good and much younger when I smiled, I laughed – and spun around and gathered my things – I was going shopping for myself for the first time in my life.

I went back out through the house as I had entered it, I walked back out into the sunshine a changed woman, a younger, prettier and happier woman than when I had entered.

I remembered seeing some shops on my way to the house, I headed for those.

There was a spring in my step and I nearly skipped along like a carefree child, nobody back home in the Willies would even recognise me now, the Sarah they all knew was gone – in truth she had died along with her final child on that cold mountainside.

And only I was left.

I had several hundred dollars gifted to me by Emma, I knew things were expensive but I had rarely been into the shops in Winnerrow let alone in Atlanta, so I would need a new education in how much things cost and what I would need to buy in this new life.

I reached the shop at last I at least wanted to find a hairbrush. I found one in a pharmacy, I also bought some face powder and lipstick – truthfully I wanted everything I saw but I was terrified of spending too much money – If anyone knew what it was like to be cold, hungry and without money it was me.

It made the few things I allowed myself to buy all the sweeter, they were truly cherished items.

I walked back slowly, enjoying the feel of the package in my hand as I walked along. Once I found myself back at the house I had to ring the bell once more as I had been given no key.

"Ah, Sarah," Emma exclaimed. "I was wondering where you had got to."

She stood eyeing my package "What have you got there?" she asked.

I felt too shy to say that it was makeup so I said "Oh just a few things from the chemist." I said furtively.

"Oh." She said losing interest, "actually it's a good thing I ran into you again, my husband has called and said he will be ready for his dinner at precisely 7:30pm" she giggled.

"You see he thinks I can be ordered about but truly it's a game that only I know the rules of." she winked.

"Of course I love him you understand, and he does own this house and is responsible for everything you see here, but I am responsible for his happiness and there truly is an art to keeping a man happy." She paused to see if I was listening.

I was listening, I guess it was something I needed to learn but at the same time relationships between men and women was the last thing on my mind right now.

"Well I guess that is something we can discuss as time goes on," she said.

I nodded.

"Well your dress is truly lovely Sarah, I do hope you'll wear it to dinner tonight, you understand you are free to look around the house or watch tv, read a book perhaps, there is some time to kill before dinner and I do want you to settle in properly and feel comfortable"

"Actually, what I would really like is to wash myself" I said finally speaking up.

Oh, of course – of course I'm so silly, allow me to show you to your bathroom.


	10. Chapter 9

My bathroom was no less impressive than my bedroom.

My very own bathroom – with indoor plumbing! My own toilet, shower, a real bath with hot and cold running water!

Beautiful pale green paint coated the walls up above pearly green tiles which took my breath away. The fixtures and taps were all golden adding a genuine air of decadence to the space.

_Another _mat, this time a mix of light and dark green lay at my feet over tiny, shiny white tiles which covered the floor.

I had tears in my eyes as I gazed around with wonder; truly this was one of the most moving moments of my life. I just felt something so strange about that room.

Happy but not happy, sad but not sad something indescribable.

I couldn't wait to try a real shower, having a shower would bring some reality into this surreal moment.

Quickly I stripped off, making sure to hang my beautiful dress on the golden hook at the back of the door.

I turned the shower taps on and watched in amazement as the water rushed out towards me _warm warm _almost intoxicating, I closed my eyes and felt my body succumb to total relaxation and I moaned with true delight.

There was soap beautiful rich soap which smelt better than any flower I had ever picked on the mountainside, I rubbed it gently over my body and I truly felt so special – everything I was experiencing now was changing who I was. I was moving away from the harshness, the coarseness and unending physical suffering that I was long accustomed to.

Eventually I stepped out of the shower to find a shelf filled with fluffy neatly folded pale green towels. As I rubbed the water away I noticed lovely pink flowers and teeny green leaves embroidered through the towels edges, the effect was absolutely magical, it was as if this house was trying to overwhelm me with veneration.

Finally, I dusted my body over with soft pure white talcum powder which I found in a cupboard below the sink.

I redressed slowly, savouring every moment, closing my eyes and imagining myself in my minds eye as one of those lucky, lucky wives who had a loving husband who bought her to live in a lovely house with a real bathroom just like this one.

I opened my eyes, cleaned my bathroom, hung my exquisite towel on the golden towel rail and re-entered my bedroom.

It was 20 minutes until dinner, I suddenly felt nervous. Emma had been very welcoming, nice and friendly. But what would her husband be like? Would he accept me? Like me?

I pulled the small upholstered chair close to the mirror in the cupboard and began brushing my hair while gazing at my reflection.

My hair was still damp from my shower and I brushed and brushed with more interest than I had had in years, my hair was long, longer than I realised. It was nearly at my waist, thick dark red hair with lighter streaks around my face which framed it becomingly.

I tucked my hair behind my ears neatly and began to touch my face lightly with the compact I had brought that day, my skin was smooth and unblemished and I could see that deep within my eyes that a hopeful sparkle was returning to them.

I finished by running the pale golden brown lipstick over my lips.

I felt satisfied with the result, more than satisfied. I knew I now looked more beautiful than most Winnerrow housewives at that moment.

Once upon a time I had been a great beauty, a real catch among the girls of the town. I knew I was special **_then_**.

Luke, I think had truly loved me **_then, _**we had spent many happy times together the golden couple of the hills.

We had been lovers for months and all the girls were so very jealous of our romance **_then_**.

I was his special girl for long enough to fall hard for him, I knew other girls had tried to steal him away from me – **_many_** others and he had never succumbed.

Until that fateful day he had suddenly and unexpectedly married another girl our relationship was guaranteed to end in marriage and happiness.

The young rich girl from Boston stole his heart away from me and never returned it.

I was snapped out of my reverie by a soft knock at my door, I hurriedly moved the chair back into its original position and quickly smoothed my dress.

"Yes?" I said in a quivering voice.

The door opened a crack and Anna peeped in.

"It's only me, my dear. Are you ready for your dinner?"

"Oh, of course," I said "I'm ready, thank you."

"Well you do look very lovely," she smiled. "I'm glad you are wearing that dress again as I suggested, Charles is eager to meet you. Lets go down together."


	11. Chapter 10

Together Emma and I tripped down the stairs in silence, our footsteps muffled by the thick carpeting.

We finally arrived at the dinner table which was set with fine bone china, crystal goblets and fine silverware.

"I believe we should eat from a properly set table everyday. I do not appreciate the misguided sentiments of those who save their good china for company only." Snorted Emma haughtily.

I had no idea what she was talking about and I merely nodded thoughtfully in reply.

"Well, Well." Suddenly came a booming voice "What do we have here?"

I looked up, startled.

I saw a tiny, very thin man with fine black brushstrokes of hair running across his balding scalp. He was grinning broadly with what looked to be genuine delight. He was thin enough to have come from the Willies that very afternoon, although his perfect looking teeth told of a very different life.

"What's your name, my dear?" He boomed.

"Sarah." I said shyly.

"Oh don't be shy, we all have fun in this house!" He thundered happily.

"Charles! stop it this minute. Can't you see the girl isn't used to meeting strangers?" rebuked Emma.

"Oh Sarah'll be fine, won't you my dear." He said giving me a wink.

"Yes." I said easily, Charles had an easy, crisp air about him. There was something in his personality which helped to put me at ease. It couldn't have been easy for him to learn that a new person had come to live with them at such short notice.

I guessed with such a friendly attitude he must be very successful in business. I suppose this luxurious house was a testament to his skills with people.

"Well come and sit down, from the look of you, you must be very hungry," he said eyeing my thin arms.

I ignored the barb and sat down at his left.

Emma sat at his right directly across from me.

"Tonight we are having roast beef with roast pumpkin, potatoes and bread," Emma announced, while lifting the shining silver serving lids.

"Yummy!" said Charles mischievously.

I smiled at him. I guessed they must have been quite lonely people, but of course Emma had said they had many parties here at the house, Charles had many, many friends, she had said. So I supposed it was more that they were just good natured and friendly people.

I asked Emma if I might be able to help her in any way but she insisted that my first evening was strictly for settling in.

As we began to eat Charles was telling me all about himself, his past and present flipping easily between each as it suited him.

I was enjoying the meal so much that I found it difficult to follow what he was saying.

I was glad that he was so self absorbed that all he wanted was a quiet audience, he reminded me a bit of Luke in that way. In the early days before we were married Luke had been one to talk – but it was a characteristic type of talk, of one who never listens in turn. I used to find it quite annoying when I had something to say but it was quite a relief if you wished to remain unknown and silent as I desperately did.

So I sat quietly and allowed him to talk and talk while I tried to relax. I began to grow sleepy as his excitement continued on and on, I was so tired all of a sudden. The day had been too big and life altering.

Charles didn't notice how tired I was becoming, but I silently wished he would, it was becoming nearly impossible for me to eat let alone react to his relentless musings.

I looked at Emma beseechingly.

"You look tired Sarah," she finally said.

"Oh yes I am," I said. "It's been a big day."

"Well why not go off to bed then and I will meet you here in the kitchen tomorrow morning at 9am as we arranged?"

"Ok then, I'll see you both tomorrow and thank you for the lovely dinner and everything," I said carefully.

I wanted to say more, much more. I wanted to pour my heart out passionately about everything they now represented to me – faith, hope, love, family.

But I just couldn't. The time to express my true gratitude would come later.

"Goodnight, my dear," said Emma.

"Yes, goodnight Sarah, lovely to meet you," chorused Charles.


	12. Chapter 11

I was up at 5am, I had forgotten to close the thick pink curtains the night before and the first struggling rays of light made my eyes open.

Not that it would have mattered, I had always risen early, normally to look after the kids, ma and pa – everyone.

Poor granny she had been the bedrock of the family, in truth, if she had never died I never would have left. But at the same time I knew she would understand me and my self-centered actions.

That was the thing about Annie **_she knew you_**.

She listened where most spoke, leading to such an unimagined insight into the people who lived around her. I had truly loved her.

Her death was undoubtedly the worst tragedy that the Casteels had ever lived through and suffered from.

As I sat on the side of my bed I thought back through the years that I had lived with her and I bowed my head and said a silent prayer for her eternal soul.

I hoped she was happy wherever she was.

I looked up, took a cleansing breath, got dressed and tied my hair up for the day's work.

I made my bed as best I could – trying to get it as perfect as it had been the evening before. I had no rags with which to clean so I went out to the bathroom, washed my face and took toilet tissue which I used to wipe down every surface. It was my sole desire to cause no nuisance to either Charles or Emma, I wanted, needed to please them absolutely. They represented my salvation.

I felt at a loose end as I wasn't meeting Emma in the kitchen until 9am and it was only 5:30am, I was ready to go down and begin work - eager to go down and begin work so I decided to go downstairs and begin on my own, perhaps I could impress Emma by getting started without her.

I padded downstairs as silently as possible, inside my mind I heard Emma's voice resonating "I despise rising early." I was sure she meant it.

Ever so quietly I reached the kitchen.

It was beautiful, it tore at my heart – so beautiful, tears came to my eyes when I thought of my family. This was the kitchen of a family. I imagined Our Jane standing on a chair here reaching out with a cup collecting water from the shining silver faucet.

I imagined Heaven and I working side by side cooking meals to please everybody here. I felt sad.

This kitchen was a terrible reminder of the hopeless, helpless feeling I had experienced as a young mother unable to provide nice things for my children.

It was also a reminder of all the comforts and beauty that I had had to live without all my life.

And it was my job to clean it.

All of the many cabinets were made of shiny timber. The double sink was shining steel. The pantry door was the size of a doorway and was painted in an off white colour – behind the door lay what looked to be masses of food. I began to grow hungry.

Over the floor were large grey-blue tiles. All of the gadgets and bottles looked a little bit daunting. But there were still some things I was familiar with, the neat piles of dishcloths and dishrags, the large square cakes of unscented soap.

Pretty little country curtains framed the window which was above the sink – I looked out to see pretty flowering plants which looked as though they had been planted for the sole purpose of keep the dishwasher cheerful, this house was so beautiful in so many ways to me.

I decided to begin my day by making a thorough search of each cupboard in turn, then the pantry, then the fridge so that I could begin with knowing where to get things and where to put them.

As I began to open each cupboard in turn, I found glasses and plates of all shapes and sizes, many shining silver pots, bowls, platters, serving trays and a number of bright new looking appliances many of which I could only guess the uses of.

It was a mind boggling array of **_things_**. Things we would never have dreamed were even necessary back home in the cabin. It was hard not to feel annoyed at the extravagance and what I thought was sheer waste. The only thing that saved me from strong resentment was the loving attitude I had so far experienced from Emma and Charles.

I decided against beginning to clean without the direction of Emma, I was afraid of making a mistake and ruining something in ignorance. I really needed to learn everything quickly so that I could get started first thing in the morning without having to wait.

Finally I decided to get something to eat. I was used to eating first thing after rising each morning, so I looked through the fridge and decided on a glass of milk. They had plenty of other food but I was too afraid to eat something that might be missed.

I examined the stove while I waited – electric, must be. It looked dangerous - a thing with coils on top ready to spring out at me boiling hot. A clear door was below the hotplates must have been the oven, I was looking forward to using that. I imagined that it would be such a pleasure to use after all those years of shoving wood into ole smokey.

"Good Morning Sarah," said Emma briskly.

"Good morning," I said straightening up. "I got up early," I said guiltily.

"That's fine," she said "Have you had your breakfast yet?" she asked.

"Yes, thank you I had a glass of milk."

"Well first things first," she said. "Charles and I eat our breakfast at odd times during the day – whenever we get up. If Charles is required in town for business he eats in town as well. Charles has already left for an appointment today so it's just me and you until he gets back."

"We may be having a guest for dinner so we will need to cook enough for at least one other tonight." She paused to take a breath. "I almost always have cereal for breakfast and always coffee too – I do so love coffee, do you drink it?"

"No." I said. "I've never even tried it."

"Well, you are lucky then, I guess that's why your teeth are still white." she said. "Don't let me be the one to tempt you."

"Well let's sit down together at the dining table and talk about the house," she suggested while making her cereal and coffee with practiced speed and grace.

"Ok," I said.

"Would you like to try this cereal too?" she asked, "It's really good and good for you too," she smiled, "and besides I think I would prefer it if we were both eating."

It looked good so I made myself some cereal in a bowl to match hers and carried it carefully into the dining room.

"It's so good to have you here Sarah, it does me the world of good to help others out. Life hasn't always been good to me so I know what it's like to feel out of place in this habitually cruel world."

"I hesitate to presume but I think you and I share a similar background, I grew up poor." She prompted.

"Very poor." She restated.

"But it never bothered me," she continued. Everyone I knew was poor so no one ever made me feel inferior." she said casually sipping her coffee.

"After school I worked my way through some low paying dead end jobs, got married, divorced and then met Charles – I never knew the answer to all my troubles would be a man, truthfully until we had lived together for a few years I never knew I had any troubles. Every cold, lonely and hungry night I spent before I met him felt just as normal as the one preceeding it, it took me years to begin to enjoy the luxury of his lifestyle, in some ways that poor girl still lives on inside me."

"Life, I feel has been good to me, in spite of all the hardships." she said earnestly.

I thought I could relate to some of what she was saying, I knew somehow that the poor girl that I was would never die no matter what became of my life.

Breakfast finished together we rose to clear the table. Then we went through the house together not only the kitchen but the laundry, bathrooms. Emma explained to me how each appliance worked, what the chemicals were and how to use them properly. She answered all of my questions and explained in detail the usual routine she and Charles kept. It was a lot of work, more than in the cabin. But of course the cabin was so tiny compared to this huge place and here there would be no children or animals to rob me of my time and energy.

"Don't look so stricken," Emma said, "You'll see - it's easy once you have a routine and are settled in and used to everything."

I could only hope she was right, so many things to remember. I was a hard worker, I had worked hard everyday of my life but cleaning this house produced complex problems I wasn't sure I could contend with.

"Well lets get started with something simple. "Let's unpack the dishwasher, all of the dinner things from last night are still inside, then we will put on a load of laundry and while that's running figure out what we will have for dinner."

Housework I was to find was much the same everywhere, clothes to clean, floors to sweep, dishes to wash, food to cook.

Each week there were the weekly jobs, each month the monthly ones, Emma had assured me that the lists of jobs and timetable she provided me with would be all I would need to remind me of everything.

"And don't worry my dear," she had said, "I will always be here to help you."


	13. Chapter 12

That night we had decided to make a simple meal of steak, vegetables and potatoes with rich brown gravy.

Emma said that the man who was eating with us was a long time friend of Charles – of both of them really – and dined at the house at least once per week. So there was no need to be formal at all.

Johnathan O'Neal I was told was the cornerstone to most of Charles success, or rather their partnership was. Johnathan was supposedly a share market genius of some kind with the organisational skills and self discipline of a clever saint. On and on Emma rhapsodized extolling the virtues of a man I could see she liked and admired very much.

Unfortunately, he had been married several times and has lost his ability to trust women somewhat Emma confided.

I pictured him as a greying older man just like Charles with a quizzical attitude and a slightly suspicious nature.

I had been cleaning all day, making beds, folding ironing then it was time for Emma to show me how to use the kitchen.

She showed me how the knobs turned and explained that it would take some time for the element to heat up properly. Together we used the stove while she taught me how she liked her meat seasoned – her potatoes mashed with fresh cheese and tomato, her green vegetables simply dunked into boiling water and then removed.

"Barely cooked crisp vegetables is how we have them here, Sarah," she coached.

Soon enough the gentlemen had arrived home and were going over some final business of the day in Charles' home office.

Emma and I set the table in the formal way she enjoyed every night and then she went off to fetch the men.

I stood standing as they all entered the dining room together. I was quite nervous. I had quickly refreshed myself earlier and changed once again into the dress from Anna; it really was the perfect dress for meeting people I thought. I was so glad I had it. I never would have had the forethought to buy such an extravagant thing.

Charles held my shoulders when he saw me and kissed me loudly on the cheek. "Lovely to see you again Sarah, this is Johnathan my main man." - "Johnathan, this is Sarah our new live in helper."

I shook Johnathans hand quickly, eager to sit down so my presence might be forgotten for the moment. Johnathan was not as old as Charles and I was surprised. I guessed his age to be around 40 or perhaps 45.

He had soft looking brown hair which was combed over to the left. Thick, rich and shiny all at once. He was tall, at least an inch taller than myself and I knew I was quite tall. His eyes were dark brown and friendly.

"So you cooked all of this Sarah?" Johnathan asked.

"Oh no, Emma cooked most of it while I watched." I clarified.

"Oh well thank you both anyway, it all looks and smells great."

"I agree," said Charles, "cheers to the ladies."

I smiled at Emma and we all began to eat.

"How was your first day working for us?" asked Charles.

"Fine thank you," I answered guessing that it was better he didn't know the full truth.

"Well did Emma tell you that I also need someone to collect my office supplies from Atlanta?"

"Yes, Emma was going to arrange some driving lessons for me so that I would be able to drive in and collect groceries and all that you need."

"Hmm," said Charles. "Jonhathan and I were just going over what we needed to have restocked in the office here. There are quite a few things and some are quite urgent now too, I guess I'll need to drive you in myself the first few times anyway to show you the way and acquaint you with the shops and products I like to use."

"Actually Charles that might not be necessary," Johnathan chimed in suddenly. "I'm free tomorrow why don't I take Sarah into the town and help her shop?"

"Ok with me if that's ok with you Sarah."

"That's fine," I said. "What time should I be ready?" I asked Johnathan.

"I'll be around to collect you at 10am."

"Ok." I said.

After that the talk turned to some big deal they were trying to put together and I was forgotten just as I had hoped I would be. My mind was wandering a bit, remembering my day – so different from any other I had ever experienced. I was tired again, mentally preparing for another strange day tomorrow.

After the meal Emma and I collected the plates and presented the men with sliced fruit and coffee.

I returned to the kitchen to finish packing the dishwasher, I filled the tiny soap holder, snapped it shut and turned on the machine as I was taught that very day.

I finished by wiping down all the benches with disinfectant and then drying them off. I polished the shiny sink leaving everything sparkling before wishing everyone goodnight and heading for the shower gratefully.


	14. Chapter 13

I was up early again the next day.

I showered and went downstairs. I ate some cereal and had some extra milk to drink. Then I began by emptying the dishwasher and working through the list of chores that I needed to get done before Johnathan came to collect me.

By the time Anna entered the kitchen for lunch I had done every job on the list which didn't require me to run loud machinery. I was eager to run the vacuum and put on a load of washing.

"Oh Sarah, what a lovely job you've done congratulated Anna, you must have gotten up really early this morning

"About 5:30," I said.

Well I'm glad I saw you before you left, I need to give you some money to pay for the office supplies and I wanted to loan you one of my purses."

She went off to fetch the things, and when she came back she slipped a watch into the purse as well. "You may need to know the time." She explained.

So with the things I would need packed away into the purse I went out to finish the bigger, louder jobs while Anna retreated to the dining room to eat her breakfast.

Around ten minutes before 10am I finished up by packing away the vacuum and went to freshen up and don once again my lucky dress.

Johnathan arrived at 10 sharp ready to go, he held the car door open for me waiting for me to get in.

His car was lovely, nicer than any car I had ever ridden in before – nicer than any car I had even seen in Winnerrow. I imagined people from the Willies seeing me now and for the first time I wished they could. I felt like a queen riding beside a successful businessman in a lovely car like this.

Well, first I think we should collect the supplies from the Lighthouse and then have lunch together before I take you back to Firestone, does that sound ok, Sarah?"

He had a charming voice which was both warm and friendly. I liked the way he continually used my name when he addressed me. It made me feel special because never before had a man like him spoken to me with such friendliness.

"The Lighthouse?" I asked

He chuckled. "Oh that's a joke Charles and I concocted to call our favourite supplies store – it's actually where we met, by the way. We supposed that if we lived in a lighthouse we would only need to come out once per month to visit the supply store so that we could go on with business..."

He threw me a sideways glance – "We're workaholics you know."

"Oh" I said. I had no idea what a workaholic was.

Soon we were in Atlanta and Johnathan had parked the car.

"Off we go," he said. "I've parked close enough to walk easily back with all the supplies."

We reached the store and spent the next 45 minutes going through the shelves together while he explained to me why he chose some items and not others, finally we had armloads of supplies to return to the house with. The shop sent out a sales assistant to help us carry all of the things and once the car was loaded up Johnathan announced that it was time for lunch.

"Thank you for all your help Sarah," he said. "What would you like to have for lunch?"

"Anything you would like is fine with me." I was secretly glad that I had taken some of my money with me in case I needed to buy something for myself like lunch.

Ok let's go to a sandwich bar and have coffee hey? He suggested.

Ok I said.

We went to a sandwich shop that he said was a long time favourite of his and he ordered for both of us two house specials and two milk coffees.

My first coffee was really special, but I couldn't finish my sandwich- I just wasn't used to eating lunch, I don't believe I had ever had a regular lunchtime in my whole life.

Johnathan didn't notice though, he was too busy asking me how I knew Charles and Anna.

So I concocted a simple story saying that I had lived with my elderly mother until she had passed away, and while I was nursing her in her final months our savings had been used up and I wasn't able to find work nearby so I had travelled around knocking on farm house doors looking for work – that led me to Emma Lundstrom who was Anna's ex sister in law.

A short story mixed with omission and half-truth which seemed to satisfy him.

Lunch over, Johnathan was suddenly reminded of something he needed to do while in the city.

"I hope you don't mind Sarah," he said "Why don't you take the opportunity to browse in the shops? We can meet back here at 1:30pm."

"That's fine, see you soon." I said.

I stood up as he rushed off – he had left money on the table to cover our bill, such generosity was almost unheard of in the Willes and Winnerrow.

I shook my head in amazement.

I picked up Anna's purse and checked the time on the watch she had provided me with. 12:45pm, I left the cafe and began to walk up the street.

I entered another pharmacy remembering how I had enjoyed shopping in one the other day and spent some time looking over the many things they had for sale. A few minutes later I left the store and continued walking up the sidewalk. I found a dress shop. I decided to have a look at what the dresses cost, as I entered the store I felt a rush of cool air over me – air conditioning, Johnathan had had it in his car but I had never been in a store that was filled with it. I looked around in amazement - so many different colours, sizes lengths and everything was brand new. I looked at the prices and sizes but I didn't know what size I was.

The shop also had a section with bra's and underpants included – I had never owned a bra before.

I looked at the prices – I could afford one!

I was so excited as I picked up an exceptionally pretty pink one and I was busily looking it over when I heard a gravelly voice from behind me say

"**Well looky what we 'ave ere**..."


	15. Kitty

Dropping the bra I turned around swiftly only to be face to face with **_Kitty Setterton._**

I felt sick, my throat closed off and my mouth gaped open while I tried not to faint with fear. I trembled and felt like running but I stood as if rooted to the spot by some mysterious force.

"Yes," Kitty purred, obviously enjoying every moment of my terror. "It is the long lost mother who abandoned her children."

I felt chilled by her words, I hadn't seen Kitty in _**years** _and yet she knew that I had run out on Luke and the children.

My mind didn't bother trying to figure out how she may have known that, I was still trying frantically to face each moment as it came. How could I have been so stupid? Atlanta was the biggest city nearest Winnerrow it was obvious to me now that running into someone here would have been inevitable.

Oh please, oh please I whispered silently over and over to myself.

I knew Kitty was nothing but trouble.

"Now, now," she soothed with narrowed eyes, "I know ya musta had ya reasons, Ah don't blame ya one bit fer leaving that good fer nothin' Luke _Casteel_." She said her voice dripping with hatred.

"I neva envied the way he treated ya one bit." she continued.

I stood mute, waiting with trepidation for her to continue.

"It's a damn shame what's happen'd to your family." she said gleefully.

I swallowed hard trying to prepare myself for what was coming next.

Oh please god I prayed silently wishing in futility for some miracle to save me from this agonizing torment.

"None ya children are yers no more, I've got Heaven meself and she's forgotten all 'bout ya."

"What?" I said suddenly breaking my silence. "What?"

She looked at me slyly. "Done pretty good for yerself hey?" she said looking me carefully up and down.

"Yep, reckon there must be some people somewhere's who'd be inarested in what'd I'd havta say." She said threateningly.

"None ya children yers no more, all shipped off to differn't homes since their own mum didn't want 'em, dad didn't want 'em neither."

"Maybe Luke'll wanna know where's bout his wife has got to now too." She mused to herself.

She narrowed her eyes and appeared to be thinking.

"Got someone pickin' ya up hey?" she asked slowly, intuitively.

I looked away refusing to answer.

"Maybe I'd betta wait 'til they come to collect their little prize 'ere and let 'em know just what they got themselves in fer."

I felt a chill stabbing through my heart.

"But naw... mebbe I kin get somethin fer meself. Gots me some stuff that needs doin that I just know ya'd be perfect for."

I felt like vomiting.

"I gots me a big interest in the wherefores of Luke and his family. "ya'd better meet me back 'ere on Tuesday next week she said handing me a little card, unless ya'd like me to tell Luke just wheres bouts ta look for his dearly departed" She sneered hatefully.

She turned around and stalked out of the shop triumphantly.

I was left standing dumbfounded in the shop, I slipped to the floor and sat staring. Damn Luke, damn him. I felt the tears begin to slip from my eyes and soon I was sobbing hysterically. Crying until I felt weak. I felt terrified for my children. An unknown fate had befallen them all. God help Heaven if what Kitty said was true, could she really be living with**_ her_**?

I gathered my composure as best I could. Slowly I stood up and tried to control my shaking.

I checked the time on the watch, 1:15pm.

I found the checkout and asked the teenaged shop assistant if there was a tap or sink nearby. She noticed I had been crying and very kindly showed me to the private toilets which were usually reserved for staff only.

"Do you need a cup? She asked.

"No thank you." I said.

I closed the door and looked at my face in the mirror, my tears began afresh. I held the sink on each side and leaned over it looking down trying to get control of my emotions.

Without looking up I turned on the tap, cupping the water repeatedly and rinsing my face with it.

I dried my face gently with a paper towel, trying not to rub – not wanting to add any further redness to my blotched features.

With sheer force of will I put the entire episode out of my mind and headed back to the cafe where Johnathan and I had had lunch.

I hoped Johnathan would already be there so I wouldn't have time to think.

I was in luck, he stood there smiling as I approached. "Ready to go, Sarah?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm looking forward to getting back," I said gratefully, "and thank you for buying lunch."

"That's fine, don't mention it," he said offhandedly.

On the way back I kept talking and talking trying desperately to keep painful and terrifying thoughts from entering my head, knowing that fresh tears weren't far away.

Johnathan seemed amused at my animated chatter about housework, cooking and old stoves.

The exhaustion of the day had finally taken its toll by the time we reached Firestone. I smiled weakly at Johnathan hoping he didn't think me foolish.

We exited the car and began to unload the stationary supplies, I walked slowly, carefully into the house making pensive trips with my mind far away from the task.

My mind was too restful, it returned to Kitty. I was crying again. I quickly deposited the last load of paper onto the beautiful partner's desk and covered my face with my hands.

My shoulders shook and my body found part of the relief it was seeking.

Suddenly I felt strong arms around me, "There, there." he soothed, holding me in a warm embrace.

"It's ok." he whispered gently, his lips near my ear.

Shocked by the sudden intimacy I stopped crying. "Oh, I'm alright," I desperately explained pulling away. "I just suddenly thought of my mother for a moment." I lied.

"I guess it's going to take me a while to get used to living without her." I said sadly, wiping my tears away with the handkerchief he had produced.


	16. Chapter 15

All during that afternoon while I vacuumed, dusted and ironed my thoughts were troubled by fears of what would happen if Luke found me.

I wondered what Kitty wanted from me. I guessed it was mostly revenge for Luke not marrying her when we were younger.

Kitty had once been my best friend and my worst enemy.

She and I had been inseparable during our time at the Winnerrow school, we had almost looked like twins with our flawless porcelain skins and fiery red hair. We always enjoyed people thinking we were sisters.

We had gone through puberty together, both of us growing very tall and developing large breasts.

But Kitty had always lacked the softness I knew I possessed and our friendship had grown strained throughout the years as her cruel streak widened and she became ever more competitive.

Once Luke came into the picture it was as if I were her worst enemy, **_nothing_** was going to get in the way of her being with Luke. She played many cruel tricks on me and began to scratch and bite me occasionally when she could no longer hide her rage, attacking me.

But although she was Luke's type physically he seemed to regard her as a joke, simply using her and discarding her as he saw fit.

I wanted Luke too desperately to feel sorry for Kitty and the terrible way he treated her. I should have paid attention then to the cruelty Luke was capable of.

Foolishly I thought my softness and love would make him love me and see me differently from her. But in the end the result was the same for both of us...

But now Kitty was gonna make me **_suffer._**

Luke, Luke how I was beginning to hate that name – that man who looked so very beautiful on the outside and was so ugly and rotted inside.

The rot had spread to all his actions, and throughout his life - contaminating everything and everyone he touched.

I felt a hard ball of hate in the pit of my stomach.

Luke had discarded of our children too – what type of man was he really? A monster.

I felt tears beginning to come again – why couldn't he have just done the decent thing and looked after the children? Why couldn't he be trusted with the most basic responsibilities of fatherhood? Perhaps he had never loved **_any_** of the children – just as he had never loved me.

I looked up sharply to see Johnathan watching me from the shadows. "Don't cry Sarah," he said softly.

"I'm ok," I said.

"No - you're _not_, I know it's none of my business but I'm here if you ever want to talk." He said.

He had approached me - close enough for me to look into his eyes. I looked up into them in wonder.

He was handsome, young and successful what on earth he saw in me I couldn't guess. But there he was looking at me with interest in his eyes.

"I guess I've been so worried about being able to support myself that now I am safe here I am free to grieve for the first time." I lied.

"Oh Sarah," he whispered reaching out to stroke my face. "I'm so sorry you are sad, you are so beautiful and good." He breathed.

"I just want to comfort you – reach out to you. I see something within you, something tender and untouched which draws me to you."

I felt shocked by his tenderness and shocked also by the unexpectedness of it. Since we had met I had taken only the barest notice of him, my mind had been utterly pre-occupied with the problems from my past.

"Thank you," I said softly, "Please don't worry about me."

"I really must pack up here and begin the dinner, Anna wants to teach me how to make Shepherds Pie tonight."

"Ok," he smiled "I look forward to trying it."

"I'll see you tonight at dinner, Sarah."

I stood staring at the door long after he had left before packing up and heading for the kitchen.


	17. Chapter 16

I had trouble trying to cook the dinner, Anna looked at me sharply several times as I dropped, spilled things and cut myself once.

"Oh dear," she said, "Let me get you some ice for that Sarah – are you sure you are feeling alright?"

"I'm sorry I apologised, I just can't keep my mind straight."

My mind was bouncing around inside my head unsure what to feel after the strange turn of events.

I couldn't help but feel some excitement but it felt so wrong in light of all my other troubles.

My mind kept returning - not to Kitty and her threats but to Johnathan and his soft whispered words and his touch...

I felt nervous about dinner, perhaps I was wrong about him, perhaps he only meant to be friendly after all.

Finally it was time for dinner, I washed myself and came down to begin serving everyone.

I sat quietly and ate trying to be as unobtrusive as possible.

The dinnertime talk revolved around business and I was the only one with nothing to contribute, but I listened politely nonetheless as I had only ugly thoughts to fill my head.

After dinner the three retired to the lounge room with coffee and I was left to clean up the dining room and kitchen. I was tired so I worked my way slowly through each task. At last I was finished, I washed my hands and dried them on the teatowel and turned to head up stairs gratefully to a warm shower and bed.

As I walked toward the door I saw Johnathan standing in the shadows.

My heart leapt in spite of myself.

"Feel like going for a walk?" he asked casually.

"Where to?" I asked quietly.

"I thought we could just walk in the garden – we don't have to go far. Have you seen the swing chair yet?"

"Ok let's go and have a swing.." I agreed coyly.

He held his arm for me to put mine through like a barn dancer about to swing his partner, I threaded my arm through his and we walked slowly out of the back door together.

It felt good to touch him, to walk slowly together into the cold night air. I felt excited in spite of myself. I never would have dreamed that passion or even love would come knocking on my door so soon. I did so want to be reawakened. To love and to be touched by a man, it had been so many years since I had felt that Luke felt any passion for me. I was eager – so eager to feel my passion reflected in someone else.

He tried to make small talk but unbeknownst to he and I - he had awoken a profound need within me for passion which wouldn't, couldn't wait a moment longer.

I drew his head down toward mine and waited for his kiss and when it came I was ready.

I kissed him with a hungry desperation, pushing myself into his arms. No longer a lady but a woman.

I surprised him, I knew that. I had surprised myself also.

I hadn't even looked at another man since Luke and here I was a million miles away in a dream wanting this stranger to kiss and touch me everywhere.

Reluctantly and with great effort I pulled away.

"I'm sorry." I said. "It's just been so long..." "I just..." I tried to explain.

"No need to be sorry, I'm sorry," he countered. "You're vulnerable, I should have been more sensitive and given you more time to settle in here and grieve the loss of your mother."

"Let's sit together on the chair and I will stroke your shoulders before we go back inside."

"Ok." I said.

So we sat and rocked ourselves gently as the moon shone down on us distantly while we adjusted ourselves emotionally and grew together mutely on that quiet night.


	18. Chapter 17

That night I couldn't sleep.

I tossed and turned this way and that. Visions of Kitty's scowling face swam before me, turning into Johnathan before changing into Luke.

I fretted, worried and cried all through the night. Not even thoughts of Johnathan made me feel good. Thinking of him put a knot into my stomach, worried of what he thought of me, scared of what he would do if he found out the awful truth about me.

I felt terrible rage at Luke, it felt like a searing hot streak through my belly, I gritted my teeth and balled my fists everytime thoughts of him entered my head. I felt like baying at the moon when I thought of him, my rage was so great.

And Kitty, Kitty my thoughts rested there, what was she thinking? It was impossible to know. As a young woman when I had known her I thought she might be going insane. Was she insane? What were her plans?

Kitty was the only quantity I felt I had some control over, we at least had a history – I knew her a little. I knew she could be dangerous but she could also be manipulated – to a point.

Yes, she was a strange mix, but she was simple enough to understand. She wanted Luke. Even after all these years I knew she wanted him still. I knew she would never, never have him but telling her snippets of information about him might allow me some leverage with her.

I could only imagine how she was treating Heaven. I hoped it was only because Luke hated Heaven that he allowed her to go away with Kitty. He had never like Kitty's aggressive nature, I bet she was violent too. I shuddered.

But what other people had my children? What sort of people would take them in?

I spent the last few hours before dawn worrying and crying over the possible fates of my children.

I knew I wouldn't be able to rest until I had learned the fates of all of my children.

I guess I needed Kitty as much as she thought she needed me.


	19. Chapter 18

I decided to avoid Johnathan for as long as possible. Thinking of him was putting too great a strain on my mental health.

I didn't think it was fair to him to keep so many secrets from him, secrets that I just couldn't tell anyone.

I also didn't think it was right or fair for me to put myself first when my children might be in jeopardy.

So many reasons for me to leave him alone, I knew I was wrong to pursue him, and perhaps even more than that, I was afraid of rejection.

I had suffered _so much_ rejection throughout my life that I felt that I couldn't possibly face more.

So I threw myself into the housework, finding the routine that Anna said I would find.

I worked slavishly trying to absolve all my guilt through toil. I felt tightly wound inside ready to snap if one more bad thing happened.

I needed to see Kitty again; until I did she held all the cards.

But it was still Thursday and I had too many days to wait until Kitty was ready to see me.

I took out the card she had given me at lunch. It was a beauty therapy/ hairdresser shop from Atlanta. I decided to go there, I couldn't wait any longer to seal my fate. Waiting was slowly driving me insane.

At dinner that night I asked Anna if I might have the next day off to visit Atlanta alone and she agreed that I might.

"Oh yes Sarah, I think it would be a good idea if you went and took some time for yourself, a happy worker is a good worker." She said sweetly.

"Perhaps we should call Johnathan to give you a lift?" she said meaningfully.

"Oh no thank you," I said hurriedly. "I think I might prefer to go by myself, you see if I went with Johnathan I would be worried that he would be bored with waiting for me." I babbled.

"Oh what a shame," she said. "I thought Johnathan would have enjoyed waiting for you." She smiled wickedly and I felt myself blush.

Truly Anna was treating me like a naive young girl – she had no idea what type of person I really was. If she knew the full truth I'm sure she wouldn't want me to be involved with her husbands business partner let alone living in her house!

I smiled weakly at her and finished eating.

The next day I wanted to be ready, I borrowed Anna's handbag again and instead of wearing my best dress I wore one of my plain cotton shift dresses. I intended to buy another lovely dress in town – like a suit of armor ready for when I faced Kitty again.

I caught the train early in the morning and headed into Atlanta feeling a bit more powerful now as I was calling the shots and taking charge of the situation.

Once the train pulled into Atlanta itself I went directly to a dress shop and bought myself a beautiful white dress which suited my slim figure well. It had tiny little buttons down the middle of the bodice and then followed by a thin skirt which reached to my mid calves. It was a flattering dress and very feminine. I also bought a scarf of two shades of pale blue to wear around my shoulders. After buying the dress I put my cotton shift into the handbag and made my way to a nearby bathroom where I applied makeup like warpaint. I brushed my hair down neatly and used water from the faucet to curl the ends around the brush adding softness; I stood back to admire my reflection. Now I was a match for Kitty.

I asked directions to the beauty salon and soon I was peeping inside looking for Kitty. I couldn't see her but I what I did see made me gasp. There was no doubt who owned this shop, it was Kitty all over. In all my life I had never met a girl more obsessed with the colour pink. Truly for me it was like looking into a strange world where everything was artificially coloured pink. Every worker I saw there had bright blonde hair – I wasn't sure of the significance of that but I knew Kitty well enough to know that there had to be a meaning – a reason for that too.

Now I was stumped I had come here hoping to catch Kitty off guard and now she wasn't even here, not sure what to do now I decided to sit at a cafe across the road from the salon and wait. Perhaps she would turn up later.

I ordered another milk coffee and sat sitting pensively waiting like a nervous Hawk waiting to attack a Jackal.

Finally after what felt like an eternity I spotted Kitty, she sashayed up to the salon doors dressed in skin – tight pink Lycra, her red hair teased out around her pretty face. Nobody looking at her could possibly know what type of person she was inside. I thought as I looked in wonder.

All through the years I had gazed upon her beautiful face and wondered why she had felt and acted as she did, I was often befuddled by her behavior she seemed to have a self destructive mode which made her destroy any headway in her relationships.

How she had managed to accomplish all this apparent success confounded me. I could only assume she had married a rich man. But on second thoughts she was probably divorced. Kitty was too aggressive for men, she emasculated and humiliated them routinely so I could only assume that she was single now and that would explain her continued interest in Luke.

I watched how she flitted around her salon, greeting the women who worked there and the customers who seemed genuinely delighted to see her.

Suddenly, without warning she exited the shop and made her way to a white late model car. Using her key she opened the door looked around inside and exited holding something and went back into the salon.

Without really thinking I approached the car she had just left looking inside maybe I was looking for evidence, maybe I was looking for proof – but of what I didn't even know.

Perhaps I didn't know what I was looking for but what I found made me gasp – 3 or 4 letters addressed to Kitty at what must be her home. _Candlewick._

And now I had a street address too, I felt exalted that now I had one up on Kitty. I was going to **_know thy enemy._**


	20. Chapter 19

Now I was armed with Kitty's address.

I went to a nearby shop with the address burned into my memory, there I asked the shopkeeper to help me to find a way to get there.

Luckily for me it wasn't far, fewer than 5 miles from Atlanta. I could catch a bus there and then walk the rest of the way.

I couldn't wait to get there, I was filled with curiosity.

At last the bus reached the correct stop and I hastily asked the driver where the street was, he told me quickly before the doors shut and he headed on his way again.

Looking furtively over my shoulder I quickly walked to the correct house.

I noticed that in this area of town all the houses had a sameness, each house I walked past looked just like the last, even in colour.

I was surprised to learn that Kitty was now living in a house that from the front looked so ordinary – so indistinguishable from all the others.

I looked at the 2 – storey home nestled in a landscaped garden and felt disbelieving – again, how could Kitty have afforded all this?

She didn't grow up poor like me but she had never done well in school either, the only thing I could assume is that she had stolen or inherited money.

I tucked my hair behind my ears and looking around casually I walked into the yard towards the house.

I looked in through the first floor windows; from the back of the house I could see into the garage – I could see many tools. Garden tools and electrical equipment, room enough for 2 cars. I looked up thoughtfully. Hmm she must be married.

I looked through the other windows and saw a nice bathroom – very clean looking with a sparkling bathtub and colourful ceramics displayed on every available counter.

I saw another room with boxes and cupboards with 3 television sets on top of tables, a small wooden chair sat in one corner.

I looked around the yard and saw the flowerbeds and trees – everything looked perfect.

I sat on the lawn and thought for a moment. Kitty was doing very well from what I had so far seen and she had been for some time. Surely that must make her happy? Surely she had grown and changed at least a bit?

God, what a woman she must be – to have everything and to still be torn inside. To be so unhappy. To be envious of people with so little.

It was difficult to imagine.

I needed to think, think about how best to please her, to make her happy in the short term so that she would reveal the secrets surrounding the whereabouts of my children.

So she wouldn't reveal my secrets to Luke.

I got up, I decided to go home, I could still get back in time to cook dinner. I picked up my purse and headed up the driveway.

Suddenly I spotted the letterbox.

Of course I should double check to make sure that this was the right house I thought to myself, besides you never knew what else I might find I thought with uncharacteristic wickedness.

Slowly I went over and opened it up, I was in luck, there were 3 letters inside. One was addressed to Kitty herself Kitty _Dennison_, so I knew then that this was the right house and I now had further proof that she was married.

The next one was addressed to Calhoun Dennison – I guessed that he must be her husband. I felt a thrill to know something about Kitty which I had learned all by myself, something that may come in handy for me later. I congratulated myself and smiled. Then I looked at the final letter and stared in disbelief.

The letter was to Heaven **_from Tom_**.


	21. Chapter 20

I felt excited to see their names. Without thinking I tore the letter open.

Dear Heaven, (I read)

I hope you are well, Logan has just given me your address so now I know where to send my letters.

I looked up Candlewick on a map I found in the local library here and I must say it looks like a really posh and nice place.

Buck Henry is not the mean and difficult man you no doubt think he is, I have learned that he comes off like a brute but underneath it all he is a kind and gentle man.

I have a nice clean room and Mr Henry's wife cooks really nourishing meals everyday and because we all live together on a dairy farm we have more milk and cheese than we can eat and drink.

Did I mention that Mr Henry has two daughters? Well he has their names are Thadie and Laurie.

I am going to school everyday – with chores before and after.

So I know we can both still achieve our dreams. Truth is and I know you don't want to hear this but Pa has probably made it easier for us to achieve our dreams. We aren't starving any more, we have enough clothes and food and our own rooms, soft beds, blankets and pillows.

The only sadness I have is that we aren't together anymore, but I know we will be together again in the future,

Love,

Your brother Tom.

I had tears running down my cheeks as I read the note from Tom.

Tommy, my firstborn. Sweet flame haired boy of mine.

I was glad that he sounded happy in his letter, surprised to hear that he was living on a dairy farm.

As I walked I noticed dark storm clouds gathering. I put the letter and envelope into my new purse and walked slowly back to the bus stop to wait for the next one going into Atlanta.

I thought briefly of putting the letter back into the letterbox, but in my haste I had torn the envelope. I decided it was easier to keep the letter – I wanted to keep it. I loved Tom and needed to know that he was safe and happy.

I stayed on the bus all the way to Atlanta train station where I caught the train the rest of the way home.

I sat looking out the window watching the rain splashing lazily onto the windows and running slowly down the glass and thought of Tom.

Remembering his strength, vitality and good humour in spite of all the hardships he had suffered. I couldn't help wishing that he had mentioned me in the letter. Of course I no longer deserved to be mentioned or even thought of – after what I had done. All of the children probably even blamed me for what Luke had done. They were too young to understand that Luke had driven me to act as I had.

I sighed.

The return address was in Winnerrow c/o Logan Stonewall, I wished I could have known where Tom was living, but it seemed he didn't even want Heaven to know.

That worried me some but I put my fears out of my mind as I re read the letter.

Now I knew the fates of Tom and Heaven.

Poor, poor Heaven, Kitty was unstable at best. I wondered what her husband was like. Kitty's husband was most likely a weak man who had trouble standing up to her, so I was betting that he wouldn't be much protection for Heaven then.

In spite of my fears about Heaven I felt truly happy, I knew that they were safe, warm and well fed _and in contact with each other_.

I knew more about Kitty including where she lived and that she was married.

I knew the name of the man who had Tom and may be able to find out where he lived.

Now I would have a chance to know what my children were doing, I vowed to learn the fates of all my children.

This was something that I **had** to do.


	22. Chapter 21

I made it back to Firestone by early afternoon.

Anna met me at the door and ushered me inside. "Big party tomorrow night, we need to plan the menu." She said.

As she hurried me into the dining room she commented on my new dress "It's lovely Sarah." She said.

I smiled at her compliment

"Is shopping all you did while you were in Atlanta today?"

"Uh, yes of course. What else would I be doing?" I asked innocently.

"Oh nothing I just thought you may have had friends or family nearby with whom you could visit."

"No, no friends or family in Atlanta." I said quietly.

We went on to plan an extravagant four course meal for 13 guests, we made a long list of things to buy in town, "Sorry to interrupt your day off, Sarah." Anna said apologetically, "But you'll see it's easier to get the shopping and planning out of the way the day before."

I didn't mind. I had no other interests to occupy any spare time I might find myself with. The only thing I had ever had that could be regarded as a hobby was rug making and I had never found that to be particularly satisfying as it was often done out of necessity and I was never able to select any nice materials for the work.

"No problem, Anna I'm glad to be of service to both you and Charles." I said honestly.

"Well I do appreciate that Sarah, you have been a great help to us both and I do so love your great attitude to work." She said. "You could be anything you set your mind to, you know."

I looked at her quizzically – not understanding her comment.

"I'm not sure what you mean." I said.

"Oh surely you have dreams for your future." She sighed "I'm speaking of your dreams."

I paused "Well, not really," I said slowly. "My only dream has been to find somewhere to live and work after my mother passed away, and now I have done that and I thank you sincerely for being a big part of that."

"Well you must have bigger dreams for yourself Sarah – you are still a young woman, you should be thinking about marriage and a family or even a career of some kind." She chided.

I felt a knife in my heart when she mentioned _family _but I didn't show it.

"Well as a young girl I was never any good in school, you know. My value has always been as a caretaker and I was never encouraged to think of having a job of my own outside the home." I said. "Truthfully I don't think I could have a really important job." I said as I shook out a crisp white tablecloth.

"Rubbish Sarah, if you have a dream you can accomplish it. You are making enough money here to pay for a course at the community college, you could do a sales course or secretarial course or nursing, they have hundreds of options for people just like you."

"But I'm very happy here," I said. "Surely you are not trying to be rid of me?"

"Oh of course not Sarah, it's just that I know people seldom dream big enough dreams for themselves, I'm sorry if I seem pushy. Please forgive me. These are _my_ issues, not yours."

I looked at her carefully, I smiled gently at her and continued on with my task.

Anna had surprised me with her vehemence, she always seemed so easy going and cheerful, I wondered what had prompted her to speak of such things.

Finally all of our jobs were done including a trip to the biggest and best grocery store I had ever seen. Far bigger and better than the tiny general store in Winnerrow. After the advice from Anna to dream a 'bigger dream' I noticed myself noticing others. I noticed the women working at the grocery store and the cleaners in the store entryways, police driving in cars. All the different types of jobs that people could have... hundreds and hundreds - there must be.

I had never noticed or cared before, I never needed a job – I had always had hundreds of them, cooking, cleaning, washing, mending not to mention the hundreds of jobs that had come with motherhood.

No it had been Luke's sole responsibility to find a good job for himself. One that would support all of us.

I had never truly judged Luke for running Moonshine, I knew he could never have worked in the coal mines. It seemed like a much harder job than mine to find a job, and so in one way I had always loved Luke for trying... in spite of his lack of education he was able to make _some_ money to keep us going.

Education, Desire - those were the things Tom and Heaven often spoke of - believing that those things alone would lead them to better lives.

I didn't need another job. I was truly happy here, I decided not to think about my own lack of choices and my own lack of skills and instead focus on what I could do for Anna and Charles.

Yes I had everything I needed and more. I lacked ambition and had simple dreams and no real plans for my future.


End file.
